It Wasn't Our Time

My heart hurts and the tears just won’t stop streaming. I can’t even swallow or catch a breath and there’s a sinking feeling in my stomach. Just over a week ago I was filled with hope, joy, excitement and wonder. There was a new life coming into our world, into our family. We wanted you, I’d dreamed of you and you were finally here. You were real to me, two pink lines, so many tests as I was so excited and it all felt too good to be true!

There was a new joy in our life and so much ahead of us. Then two days ago you were gone, just like that. My hands are shaking as I write this because seeing the words on my screen make this all more real. Miscarriage. You’re now a shattered dream, there’s a place in my heart that I kept for you and it’s yours now and forever. I’m sorry it wasn’t our time, I know everything happens for a reason and life is all about timing. It wasn’t our time I keep telling myself and eventually I will be ok with that. One day this won’t hurt so much. But today I’m confused, today I’m angry and today I’m frightened because I’ve not felt a sadness like this before. 

While my heart is hurting my body is matching the pain, it’s telling me you were real. In time I’ll heal and feel myself again but for now I just need some space and to focus on my little Alina and my husband.

Pain and loss is a funny thing, one moment I’m ok and then I randomly wake at 3 in the morning and howl into my pillow or there’s silence in the house when everyone’s sleeping and it hits me. It’s like I’m walking around and life is happening around me but I’m not all there. Everything feels hazy. I don’t know how to explain it. I guess I’m grieving for what could have been and in shock because it’s not quite sunk in yet. I was only just getting used to the fact there’d be another baby, we’d go to bed at night with our hands on my belly and talk about the future. Alina would kiss my stomach and say ‘baby’ and she’s still doing it even now this won’t be.

Certain things happen to certain people and this experience is now a part of me. It’s a sadness I never knew or understood until now. I know I’m not alone in this and that brings me a feeling of comfort. 

I was throwing out an old bunch of flowers yesterday and as I tossed them in the bin this beautiful, very much alive white and pink rose (my favourite colour) was facing up at me. I picked it out of the bunch and I'm going to keep it until it dries out and save it as my reminder of this time in my life. To remember the beauty of the love and hope that I felt and that in time I'll be ready to try again. 

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At the moment Alina is keeping me going, forcing me to get up in the mornings and finding joy in the new day ahead. I feel hopeful! At the moment I’m just going to be taking some time out. I do have some scheduled work coming up before Christmas which I'm locked into so I think that will be good for me, I love being creative and putting my energy into what I love. So you may see a blog post here and there or a few sponsored posts but not much else from me. Please be patient. I will be back!

Em x