I Miss You, Dad.
I'm not a jealous person, nor am I one to see someone else's happiness and feel envious. So it was a shock to me when theses feelings came to the surface the other day. I saw something that left me longing for what I know I will never have.
As I was sitting at a café with Alina waiting for my take away coffee I noticed a young mother pushing her baby in it's pram. Walking next to her was (I assume) her father, the baby's grandfather. They were talking and smiling, clearly enjoying each others company while taking the bub for a stroll. I watched them walk past me until they were out of view and that's when I realised there were tears streaming down my face. I hadn't thought about him for so long, my father that is.
Watching the lady with her dad looked like they obviously had a very close and loving relationship. Something I always wanted and craved. Seeing them pushing the baby in the pram is obviously what triggered my tears. My dad will never get to meet Alina. He will never hold her, kiss her, push her in her pram and get to watch her grow up. I thought I had accepted my loss a long time ago. I have been through so many other big life events without him there. But seeing someone have something I have craved my whole life bought up so many emotions. Perhaps it's because now that I'm a mother I don't understand my fathers choice to leave me, I could never leave my child. I know in reality he didn't choose, to him he didn't have a choice. But it doesn't make it hurt any less.
My dad committed suicide when I was 12 years old. After many years of battling with depression, drug addiction and alcoholism he took his own life. Leaving my brother and I behind. Although he wasn't a good dad when he was using or drinking, putting his needs above his children's as addicts do. I still knew he loved me. When he was sober, he was incredible! He was my best friend, we had such a bond and I was definitely daddy's little girl. Unfortunately those good days never lasted long. I didn't get to have a childhood. I had to grow up too fast being subjected to my dad's lifestyle. I would often day dream of having a 'normal dad', like all of my friends. Wishing I had a mother and father who loved each other and a home that felt happy and warm. My parents separated when I was 8 and that's what sent my dad back into his illness. He wasn't strong enough to overcome his demons, he was sick and he lost his battle. 14 years later I am at peace with the past and have been through my grief. I keep the beautiful and happy moments close to my heart.
But the other day at the coffee shop, I found myself day dreaming of what it would be like if my dad was here. I felt his loss again, it hit me so unexpectedly. In that moment it's like I felt everything I had lost and everything that could have been at the same time. As I wiped the tears, I looked at Alina sleeping soundly in her pram. Safe, warm and so loved. I was once like that, a new beginning for my parents. My dad would have felt for me what my husband and I feel for Alina. It makes my heart heavy when I think of everything my dad could have had and could have been! The feeling is frustration I guess, if only he could have seen possibility instead of despair. If only I was older, I could have helped him! It's not just me who missed out on him, Alina will too. I often think of the day she will understand that she has a poppy in heaven. She will always know the good things, be told the funny stories about the happy times. She will know that he had a good heart.
When we got home from the café' my husband came over to Alina and smothering her in kisses. Saying 'daddy loves you' like he does so often everyday. I just stood there and watched them together, like I watched that lady and her dad. Except Randall and Alina didn't go out of sight, they are right in front of me. They are my now, my tomorrow and my forever. They will never leave me. Seeing my husband be such a magnificent father to our daughter has and will continue to heal that little piece of my heart that will always miss my dad.